All I Have
by The Little Monster 1024
Summary: God, Castle, I never thought we'd end like this.


**AN: I don't even know what inspired such angst. *CHARACTER DEATH* That's kind of obvious, but the last time I wrote a fic and didn't give a character death warning I thought I was going to get shot. **

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I remember the look on your face as the sun shone on it in the early morning sunlight when I'd wake to your smiling face watching me. I can still remember laying in bed, you'd whisper in my ear words for just us to know. I'd smile and laugh. I remember telling you how tired I was and that I wanted to sleep, you'd ignore me and keep talking. I know I acted like I didn't, but I loved mornings like that. Mornings where we talked about anything and everything. Where you'd calm me down after a particularly hard case, where we'd laugh at something your mother had said.

We spent hours in our bedroom making beautiful memories that I hope I never forget. Whether it was hours of making love or simple evenings watching a Temptation Lane marathon, it was amazing. You held me tightly when my father died; I wiped your tears of happiness when Alexis got married. You were sitting on our bed with a book in your hand when I told you I was pregnant with our first son. You dropped the book with a smile and pulled me in; I didn't even know I was crying until you gently swiped the tears away. You kissed me and in that moment I didn't think I could ever love you more.

I couldn't step foot in our room for a while after you died. I moved my clothes into the guest room and slept there. I couldn't sleep in our room without you; it was too wrong…I mean, you weren't _there_. You weren't sitting there waiting for me after I showered. I'd never wake up to typing in bed at three a.m. ever again; I'd never get to complain about your snoring again. You were gone. I just…couldn't do it.

It wasn't until Reed remembered he left his batman action figure in our room did I step foot inside. I walked so slowly, my eyes were focused on the ground. I didn't want to look up and see the empty bed. I couldn't see your cologne all lined up on the dresser. I couldn't look at your pile of dirty clothes that was still lying on the ground. I searched around everywhere for that toy, but after a few minutes of searching I sat down on the bed. It was still unmade from that morning. You told me you'd make it later.

I slowly laid back on the bed, I was so tired. I hadn't slept good since you died and the boys were so full of energy…and work…I was exhausted. I laid my head on your pillow and curled into a ball. I buried my head in your soft pillow. It still smelled just liked you, Castle. I cried until I fell asleep. Alexis found me there a few hours later when she came over for dinner. She looked at me, your eyes looking back with so much sympathy and I started crying again. I wanted to stay strong for all three of the kids, of course Alexis is still a kid, I wanted to be there for them. But, in that moment I lost all of that and Alexis ended up holding me as I sobbed.

Alexis has been so great. She helps with the boys. She's right here whenever I need her. The boys love being with her and her husband. They look up to them so much.

But of course, nothing compares to watching you with our boys. They'd always looked at you with looks of such awe and adoration. They love you so much. Reed still asks about you sometimes. He knows you're gone…but he still likes to know if you're okay. I tell him you are. That you're doing okay and that you love him. Mitchell is too young, only three now.

They're more and more like you every day. The way they light up a room, their loud voices traveling through the room. And then how their voice turns gentle when they talk to me or anyone else they love. They're such sweet boys. When they look up at me with those eyes, God they're so much like yours, I can't help but melt. They amaze me everyday. Its beautiful watching them grow up into these great little people. I hope somewhere; you get the chance to watch too.

I thought it'd get easier. Everyone told me it would…but they were so wrong. Its not easier at all. Sometimes I feel like the only thing that keeps me going is the boys. When they come bouncing into the room in the mornings with bright smiles, it's the only thing that can get me to force myself out of bed. Their laughter and happiness gets me through the day, but now, times like this when they're in bed and I'm alone in the middle of our bed writing you this letter, it's so hard. Sitting on our bed, with the same sheets that I still haven't washed three months later in hope that the faint smell of you will help me sleep; It won't. Even sitting here in your Batman t-shirt that you said looked so good on me, I'm not okay. It's not okay that I can't walk past your dry toothbrush on our bathroom sink without crying. It's not okay that I haven't been able to move your shampoo from our shower.

God, Castle, I never thought we'd end like this. I never thought I'd lose you like this. I never thought you'd be ripped from our family so badly. I never thought that our quick kiss in the elevator would be our last kiss. Or that 'Shut up, Castle' would be my last words to you. One night, after hours of crying, Lanie told me with a smile that it was fitting. I think she was trying to cheer me up, of course it didn't work. They should've been something else. I should've told you how much I love you, or how much of an amazing father you are…or that you've made my life so much better.

I'm so sorry, Rick. I am. You didn't deserve this. A car crash? No…no. You shouldn't have gone like that. You should've lived another sixty years with me. We should've grown old watching our boys and Alexis grow up and have kids of their own. We were supposed to be together, to be partners; always.

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**What did you think? Review? **


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